Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

My spirit animal is fried chicken

Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?

Me: they’re articles of clothing

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

I told my therapist that I’ve given CPR to 3 different people in 3 separate incidents at a particular grocery store and she advised me to stop going there.
That’s good shit right there

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird