Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
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*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Skip intro
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.