“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
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[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.