“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
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Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes