“Anybody here named Jeff?”
Jeff: “Yes”
Geoff: “Yeos”

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Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.


My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much.

What a thing to Fallout 4.


Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”


ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done


formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing


Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems


king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty


I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.


Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokémon.

Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec².