Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
“Anybody here named Jeff?”
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My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much.
What a thing to Fallout 4.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokémon.
Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec².