Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
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I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.