Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
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15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?