Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

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*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*


Marriage is so disrespected as an institution nowadays that soon brides may be tossing the groom and keeping the bouquet.


Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies


Mulder: someone in this room is an alien
Scully: look for anything out of the ordinary
Me: *drinking hot orange juice* like what


When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.


The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.


I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.


Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.


I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.


My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.