Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
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If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
definitely did not do anything wrong
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
classic mixup
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor