Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what