anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
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cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I saw this ending much differently.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
We cut our bangs at dawn.