Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
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I am a gravy boat captain
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s