Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

Tuesday

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.