Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
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Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on