Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

This billboard speaks to me

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

Pigeon open mic night.

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done