anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
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[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
What?
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.