anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
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Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either