anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
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Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.