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@jaboukie: anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
@carlyken: me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
@recursivetaco: Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
@KeetPotato: [music club]
what should we play today
[hand goes up]
all those who wanna ban joe raise their hand
[everyones hand goes up]
@ndiquote: My heart say "Yes"
But my mom says "No"
@sofarrsogud: [TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
'Oh yeah, I love to cook!'
*removes salad from the microwave