anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

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My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.

After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”


I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.


9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.


Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer


I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.


COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no



People are so wary of technology still. I grew up living directly under high power lines & only have 1 sentient mole that orders me to kill.


There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil


I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.