anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
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I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
u spoke cat all this time??????
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame