anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
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my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.