Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…