Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
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My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
So we got a goldfish…
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista