Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!

“LOL, NOPE”

-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars