Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
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It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
the rocks need my help
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?