Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
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According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life