Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
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Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.