Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
You Might Also Like
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you