Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
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girls literally only want one thing..
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
How it started How it’s going
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
How times have changed.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.