Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
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[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.