Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

My heart 😭

“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”

THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤

Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.

A HERO

KNOW HER NAME!

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed