Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
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My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Meowchelangelo
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠