“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
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The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
My friend is an excellent librarian.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping