“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
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[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”