Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.