Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
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You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode