Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
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Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
Had a rough week. Might get bangs later.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.