Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

Today’s tshirt

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

🤣

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.