Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
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Can we not just call it Zealand now?
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
What my back needs
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
😍😂🥰😂😍
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.