Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
You Might Also Like
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Herpes is trending, good job people
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
A small tragedy.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
