Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
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I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.