Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
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[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
😭😭
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Milk Cube
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
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