me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
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coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.