Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
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[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me