Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
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My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.