Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
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Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
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Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
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April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”![]()
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.