Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
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Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
*cough*
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.