Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know I’m something of a chef myself

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.

See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

The Eggorcist

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.