Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
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MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.