Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
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Good morning.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Harsh but fair
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.