Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Everyone’s family
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive