Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.