Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Lmbo
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes