Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
ibopfufen
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
fired
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?