Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

“No”

WIFE: Apple?

“Nope”

WIFE: Lavender?

“Sorry”

ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.