Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?

my husband and i: ………👀

6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?

*synchronized sigh of relief*

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine