Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

Always the barmaid, never the bar.

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

found a horse’s reddit account

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs