Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
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if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠