Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCARY COSTUME

Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

aesthetic

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.