Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

I have obtained a hat

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…