Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.

Lmao

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower