Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
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even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets