Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
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dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Sign at work today
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Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?