Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists

30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn

40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

Sign at work today

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

interviewer: what do you know about excel?

me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?