Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
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I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Previously On Persistence 😎
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it