Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
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I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.