anyone else like Italian cereal
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Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok