anyone else like Italian cereal
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Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Rooting for the overdog
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*