Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”