Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
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“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
even bears disappoint their mothers
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?