Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel…

Admin smashed it 😂

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

British websites use biscuits.

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.