Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
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Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I think about this a lot
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.