Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
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[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
😲 WTF? 😆
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?